I was sitting in front of him and said: I think I am just stressed, was a lot the last month. He was looking at me, checked my finger with a oxygen meter. I saw this „thing“ the first time in my life deliberately. And now it is my „life insurers“…His reaction was not nervous, but he said this is too low,it was 92 and he said his is better even he is a smoker. We made a ECG, was fine…what do I know about it, so he sent me to a lung function test, but as we live in Ibiza all takes longer…also I had to come back for a blood test.
After my last wedding in June, which one was horrible and I offered them before that They get their money back or anorher team member will be at their wedding, as we weren’t compatible. No respect and I knew it that we would be responsabel for things we haven’t been involved…But, hey, it is more important to say the owner of the company was my wedding planner instead of taking advise from us. When I left the party after all was finished from our side and they finally payed us, I was angry, nearly crying, I was so exhausted when I was driving home. Disapointed. I decided all the weddings during the upcoming month will be realized by one of my team members, as they were still motivated, passinonated…but I was just empty. So the next weeks were beautiful, but I could feel, that my breathing was still worse, I thought in may I only have to go through june and all will be fine. I am not sure but it was end of may when my pilates teacher told me I am having issues inside and don’t speak about them with the persons belonging too and she was hunting me through my garden, to get the shit out. I was running, but nearly collapsing. We did this a second time, but then she stopped and we started meditation to calm me down. Of course I had a lot of things inside I was taking with me or when I was talking to my partner I didn’t saw them that difficult anymore and went on. I always thougt I can not breath because I was running through life since ages, and I never stopped, nore in my pregnancy and when my son was born I started a new business. I never will forget that he was in my arms or on my belly, my notebook on my knees and the movil in one hand and with the same I tried to make notes. How stupid could I be? Unbelievable and these are the moments in life I regrett as I am not a patience person and even was it less in winter 2014/15! What a unresponsable mum? Since he was born or might be even before when he was in my belly growing I was „nervous“…I was feeling an inner unrest. Hectic. No long deep breathes, short and shallow breathing. In June 2017 I woke up in the nights and had the feeling I can not breath anymore, I had to sit up, I took a while till it was getting better, sometimes not. I tried to get more air through my mouth, deep…but it stopped in my breast and I was afraid…but next morning life went on. No break. During the day I always felt stressed, running from one point to the other, always in a rush. I was incredibly tired, unconcetrated…I could not go upstairs without maling a quick break and try to breath. All was heavy for me, bringing my son to bed cost me a lot of energy, to carry him – impossibly…I went to the doctor finally after my bad in july.
till they found out, what I am having.
How it started all? Beginning of may, end of april a few things came together and all happend the same time. I was falling down backwards the steps in our house when I was trying to get a suitcase from a corner next to the steps. I felt hard and had some pain and even left a little whole in the floor where my ellboe must be contacted the tile. My parents have been here for two weeks due to eastern and holiday of our son Balthazar as they helped us taking care about him, as season already started and new nanny would start soon, a future wedding couple was very demanding and out a lot of pressure onto us, as their dream could not be realized but they saw us as friends one hand side and other hand side, as suppliers…also a very important wedding I had to organize within the next three weeks. On top, we would leave our son sleeping in his own room and we moved downstairs – too far away from him, I left him allone…I felt not very well about it. So a lot of stress on deadlines and heavy feelings and pressure as during the new season I decided I want to work less, but all had to work perfectly as before. After years of saying, I wanted to change and working less, what I did up from july…but same time my illness started or better I knew that something was wrong, but didn’t want to go to the doctor. Due to the cause of time lack. „My long way…“ weiterlesen
…now I know I will not decide, I am both and I need both like the air to breath. Like the air to be alive! I alaways thought I have to decide, I never said it, but I felt guilty when I did the one and not the other, when I was going out for dinner with friends to socialize instead of bringing my son to bed or when I was journaling instead of preparing the contract now. Always unsatisfied as I haven’t done the other thing. Go with the flow reminds me to young people having no idea what they want to do, but now I love it from time to time, as it helps me to feel free, inner freedom instead of planning and planning and in the end being disapointed it doesn’t work out as people involved changing their plans or it rains, as sun was the forecast. My head couldn’t relax anymore, I was always worrying or thinking about what will happen when…Like a hamster in the impeller, no time to breath as no time to stop. And so it came one to the other…
It is funny, as my mum, the one who always cares about the others, for sure won’t do anything against law or order from medicins…she was the one who said to me a week ago: you have to do what you feel is best for you! Wow…if you knew my mother you would understand my surprise. But yes, she is right. Today I planned to do some meditation and breath exercises but then my husband told me, that our little one is going to ski on the big platter lift and might be they will go up in the mountain with the ski gondola. Can you imagine what happend to me? I was overwelmed, he is 3 years and 2 month, he is our sunshine but also we know we warped him as grewn up with Nannies, grandparents and us, he is just spoiled. But this, this was a warm happy feeling as he did it, we could do nothing, beside asking the ski teacher yesterday if he can try to do the „Pizza“ on the longer slope. And he did it, he loved it. I am not a fan of overtax kids as this can be the biggest mistake you could do as a parents but I love to demand and promote, to show him his inner strength! Just do it, Nike knows it since ages! Give it a try, if you never try you can never win or find out what happens. So here I am, instead of doing relaximg deep breaths and preparing myself for my next intervention (BPA operation).
I just enjoy sitting in the sun after putting some tears of happiness away and watching my son by his first big steps of skiing! I don’t feel torned back and forth, I am just here with my full awareness as this makes me feel happy right now!
Long time ago I had a dream to write a book,but why anybody should be interested in my life?
I wanted to describe my way out from anorexia and bulimia to help other girls and women…but I never had the time and everything was more important. I am pretty sure you know this feeling, that everything is more important than yourself. Even it is the dirty cloth in the washing machine or the grocery which has to be done, or to write an email sunday morning to a client to make sure he knows you are working hard on his project. I can list a lot more things and for sure, you will recognize yourself.
Before I start to tell you more about my life and how all came, you have to know, that my life was just amazing, which I never realized as too many doubts, even if I had so much success, it was never enough. Now, my life is still even just wonderful, might be a bit better…different, but fulfilled! I noticed through my illness how much love I am surrounded by, real friends, support from people I never expected and that I am a „good“ person who made mistakes in the past and still will do some in the future, but that this is human and I started to forgive myself and let a few things go, which made me sad but also insufferable.
Three month ago my life became a second chance, I am afraid but I never will give up my hope and my positive behaviour. I won’t die I will live with all I am!