I was just freaking out on saturday morning, I was crying the whole way to the clinic…silent and loud, I didn’t wan´t to leave my son again, I couldn’t´t imagine I will do the intervention again, even I have beeing so brave the weeks before. I was just afraid. It came when I was packing all together and I noticed the distance between my son and me as he also was preparing himself for a few days without mum and he prefers to create space between us, not really mental, it is more physically. He don´t want to hug, that I talk to him, he is going on distance and this hurts! Of course I know him in best hands with my parents, but it is hard to leave him after all what happened in august and especially October and November. He is a sensitive character as I am but he is it really, 100%! So on our way to the clinic I gave up in hoping, praying and believing, especially after our car broke down last eve, we managed it to reach the house of my parents after our ski holiday and then my husband had to react and organising all to make sure, we have a car next day and our car will be towed away. But worth thing: he got another attack of Toxoplasmosis in his eye so he went “immediately” to emergency. I am sure he was noticing it since a week but didn’t want to take action during our amazing time in the snow in Austria together. They have been super unfriendly to him, why he is coming on a friday evening and told him to look for his regular doctor. Are they kidding? He is in Barcelona and not an emergency doctor! So in the end we were driving to Bad Nauheim and arrived at 3.30pm. I was shaking, it is always the same, if I walk along this street. First I thought because only of the cold, but now I know it is my impression to show that I am afraid…The hours in the car, I felt lonely, left alone, I couldn’t except that all is like it turns out, as well as Daniel´s Dad had to check his “prostata” as his sum was higher even as he was operated 5 years ago. So I felt into an empty space, it was not dark, but hopeless! I had the very first time the feeling I give up…I had no Power for a few hours and also next day I wasn’t that good. I didn’t want to talk or think about my next BPA…I was worrying, as I had the feeling, that after all these negative successions my forecast for the BPA was not good. But then it became better…The  blood collection went super well – first step. Sunday we only were waiting for monday and they told us, monday at 10.15am we start. Juppie!