The situation is getting worse for me, I thought I have all under control and I am doing very well – with my son, my partner, our life. I have the feeling as I am now facing the reality all my expectations for 2020/21 are gone…or better let´s say won´t be coming true.
We will not earn money, but we have our expanses, fixed once, I am taking care about the household, home schooling, cooking, garden a good part of it. But I lost my sons connection. I noticed 2-3 weeks ago, he won´t do anything else then playing Playmobil, going on bicycle with Oma, meeting friends, inviting them to home. I can´t motivate him to do anything with me, with me alone – nor beach, nor bici, nor playing games…I tiedy up…I educate him…I am sad, very sad…and I don´t know how to do better
and then I am overwhelmed when I hear waht other mums or parents doing with their child.
Every week I am sure I do better, but don´t know why I can´t do it better? Am I a lazy person? Not really, I have some more energy back, but might be I just don´t do it?
Last week monday or tuesday I had to close the doors in the office and let all my big feelings coming out, I was screaming and I thought I am over the crying…but inside now I feel I am empty…The anxiety of facing the unknown is incredible but the disappointment, anger, the powerlessness are even worse!
I didn´t had a minute for myself in the last weeks, as if Balthi was with Gandma I was trying to do some work or household or gardening…I need to activate my inner resources to change the things I can change! I have to listen again more to my heart…we handle all, we have enough to go through this uncertain time. We had so much fun during the real lock down, as we had a bondage with doing sports together, little little yoga breaks, dance session and singing with my son, cuddling in the morning in bed, a chilled afternoon around the pool… I want my son to have positive memories of this time, I hope he keeps them well into his heart!