Doctor’s visits

I was sitting in front of him and said: I think I am just stressed, was a lot the last month. He was looking at me, checked my finger with a oxygen meter. I saw this „thing“ the first time in my life deliberately. And now it is my „life insurers“…His reaction was not nervous, but he said this is too low,it was 92 and he said his is better even he is a smoker. We made a ECG, was fine…what do I know about it, so he sent me to a lung function test, but as we live in Ibiza all takes longer…also I had to come back for a blood test.

 

Summer 2017…displacement

After my last wedding in June, which one was horrible and I offered them before that They get their money back or anorher team member will be at their wedding, as we weren’t compatible. No respect and I knew it that we would be responsabel for things we haven’t been involved…But, hey, it is more important to say the owner of the company was my wedding planner instead of taking advise from us. When I left the party after all was finished from our side and they finally payed us, I was angry, nearly crying, I was so exhausted when I was driving home. Disapointed. I decided all the weddings during the upcoming month will be realized by one of my team members, as they were still motivated, passinonated…but I was just empty. So the next weeks were beautiful, but I could feel, that my breathing was still worse, I thought in may I only have to go through june and all will be fine. I am not sure but it was end of may when my pilates teacher told me I am having issues inside and don’t speak about them with the persons belonging too and she was hunting me through my garden, to get the shit out. I was running, but nearly collapsing. We did this a second time, but then she stopped and we started meditation to calm me down. Of course I had a lot of things inside I was taking with me or when I was talking to my partner I didn’t saw them that difficult anymore and went on. I always thougt I can not breath because I was running through life since ages, and I never stopped, nore in my pregnancy and when my son was born I started a new business. I never will forget that he was in my arms or on my belly, my notebook on my knees and the movil in one hand and with the same I tried to make notes. How stupid could I be? Unbelievable and these are the moments in life I regrett as I am not a patience person and even was it less in winter 2014/15! What a unresponsable mum? Since he was born or might be even before when he was in my belly growing I was „nervous“…I was feeling an inner unrest. Hectic. No long deep breathes, short and shallow breathing. In June 2017 I woke up in the nights and had the feeling I can not breath anymore, I had to sit up, I took a while till it was getting better, sometimes not. I tried to get more air through my mouth, deep…but it stopped in my breast and I was afraid…but next morning life went on. No break. During the day I always felt stressed, running from one point to the other, always in a rush. I was incredibly tired, unconcetrated…I could not go upstairs without maling a quick break and try to breath. All was heavy for me, bringing my son to bed cost me a lot of energy, to carry him – impossibly…I went to the doctor finally after my bad in july.

My long way…

till they found out, what I am having.

How it started all? Beginning of may, end of april a few things came together and all happend the same time. I was falling down backwards the steps in our house when I was trying to get a suitcase from a corner next to the steps. I felt hard and had some pain and even left a little whole in the floor where my ellboe must be contacted the tile. My parents have been here for two weeks due to eastern and holiday of our son Balthazar as they helped us taking care about him, as season already started and new nanny would start  soon, a future wedding couple was very demanding and out a lot of pressure onto us, as their dream could not be realized but they saw us as friends one hand side and other hand side, as suppliers…also a very important wedding I had to organize within the next three weeks.  On top, we would leave our son sleeping in his own room and we moved downstairs – too far away from him, I left him allone…I felt not very well about it. So a lot of stress on deadlines and heavy feelings and pressure as during the new season I decided I want to work less, but all had to work perfectly as before. After years of saying, I wanted to change and working less,  what I did up from july…but same time my illness started or better I knew that something was wrong, but didn’t want to go to the doctor. Due to the cause of time lack. „My long way…“ weiterlesen