Sometimes you barely notice you’re living with chronic stress because you’ve learned to adapt to it. Feeling tired, distracted, irritated, and plagued by a nagging sense that time is running out starts to feel normal. You shrug off the way life keeps speeding up and accept that work pressures are necessary to get ahead in your career. Yet living in a state of overdrive is anything but normal, and it actually causes more harm than you may realize.
As for me living with this illness it can be a killer. I always have to remind myself: stay calm, be patient, go slowly, don´t rush or even run, take enough time to come from one point to the other…slow down! But often there are situations in everybody´s lifes as well in mine, which you can´t control or plan – it is just the worker who comes a little bit to late and then you will leave the house to pick up your son from kindergarten and then you notice that in front of your parking place a neighbours car parks so you can not leave.How many minutes I have to plan more into my life to not get stressed? I mean you all know this feeling and it stress you and me. For you it is might be a way into a problem or you just be stressed all your life but for me it is so dangerous as I am not allowed to come under 90…
Yeah, it is always the same after rain there will be sunshine, and after sun, rainy days will follow. I am still in heaven as today it is a lucky day. I went up the stairs without oxygen, slowly and breathing through the nose, did some cloth arrangements in my son´s room and went downstairs with a heavy box. I didn’t felt that much „stress“ or had the feeling I can’t breath and by checking my values it was confirmed! 92% oxygen and 82 heart rate, after sitting two minutes 98% and 75 heart rate – chaka! So what I am learning at the moment, is breathing via my nose, in AND out and doing everything a little slower and with patience. Despacito y lento are my words for 2018! Today I can say it with a smile and of course I want to keep this happy feeling as I know there are days, I don´t feel well. Even as today i feel a bit dizzy and evil. I didn’t´t had this the last weeks. I am trying to find out, why it happens sometimes, as tonight I slept well and 8 hours. I took my pill (Adempas) very early this morning around 8.45am – usually I do an hour later. And I was drinking a strong green fresh tea…might be the combination of my green tea and the medicine don´t fit together…? And I had breakfast very early around 9.30am with muesli, yoghurt and fruits…
Also I received some good news we have to proof, that vueling offers oxygen on board for free (!?!) which means I could fly from Ibiza to Frankfurt via Barcelona and then home direct (as direct flights starting around 25th march due to easter holidays). All research costs a lot of time and always depends on the people you are talking with or emailing with but I have to say that so far my experiences are very good and I receive a lot of help and support from strangers. Of course, we could say it is their job, but they really try to help. That´s why I also did a check off on my to do list finally, as I sent a healthy Tea box to a woman called Mrs. Waelde, as she was an amazing help through all my complications to get my prescriptions for Adempas and was supporting us during the adaption while I was travelling between Munich, Bad Nauheim, Ulm and Ibiza. Also a little present for the lovely lady from Vitalaire as she always did me a favour regarding my oxygen machines. I have a few more on my list I am grateful for, so not finished yet with saying „thank you“.
on monday the 5th february after a sleepless night I was looking forward to the second intervention. Even I was too tired and not feeling „happy“ I was calm, I was „fine“ with me. I had no pain when they placed my catheter, 2nd step went well…then the clock was running and it was already 10.45am – I was asking if all is good…? At 11.15am they were surprised I am still in my room, in the meanwhile I did some breathing exercises, which went better than the last days. I really was totally calm…Then at 11.50am I was nervous, as I took my „caughing pill“ already as commanded at 9.15am – same moment the „driver“ of my bed came and brought me downstairs. Same place like last time I was waiting in front of the same Cardiac catheter room. Good sign, I was keeping the love heart from my son and his pictures with me. Then Anja, the amazing nurse from last time, when I had to caugh blood passed by, stopped and smiled. Now I even felt more relaxt, as I felt save, even if I knew she will not be all the time with me, I gave me a good feeling. Another nurse, super sympathic, did an amazing job by setting my catheter left side. No pain, I even didn´t noticed that she was pulling it in! Third milestone on they way to the operation table went well! And this time I had my stick with my music Deva Prenal „Love is Space“.
It was good to see well known faces, as the „main“ nurse was today as well with us (Anja had to leave after preparation) and they were talking with me, like we would have a coffee, about Meditation, the stressful life of being a mum, wife and working woman…I was prepared, lying on a heated small bed, palms upwards, my feet falling left and right side, I tried to lay down as comfortable as possible. My music was on and then at 12.15 the doctors came in and started. The only real pain I felt, was the cut in the groin to get in with all instruments. I received a light drug 1:1 – I was remembering from the first one! And all started…I trusted again and I felt very safe and „home“. It took a long time this time, as they were very enthusiastic but also very zurückhaltend this time. Prof. Dr. Ghofrani were also watching, when they were operating in the first segment number 9 today and it turned out very difficult as all Gewebe war verklebt. They had to do it slowly, starting with a ballon size 1 going up to 3 to make sure, they will not break any vessel today.
I was just freaking out on saturday morning, I was crying the whole way to the clinic…silent and loud, I didn’t wan´t to leave my son again, I couldn’t´t imagine I will do the intervention again, even I have beeing so brave the weeks before. I was just afraid. It came when I was packing all together and I noticed the distance between my son and me as he also was preparing himself for a few days without mum and he prefers to create space between us, not really mental, it is more physically. He don´t want to hug, that I talk to him, he is going on distance and this hurts! Of course I know him in best hands with my parents, but it is hard to leave him after all what happened in august and especially October and November. He is a sensitive character as I am but he is it really, 100%! So on our way to the clinic I gave up in hoping, praying and believing, especially after our car broke down last eve, we managed it to reach the house of my parents after our ski holiday and then my husband had to react and organising all to make sure, we have a car next day and our car will be towed away. But worth thing: he got another attack of Toxoplasmosis in his eye so he went „immediately“ to emergency. I am sure he was noticing it since a week but didn’t want to take action during our amazing time in the snow in Austria together. They have been super unfriendly to him, why he is coming on a friday evening and told him to look for his regular doctor. Are they kidding? He is in Barcelona and not an emergency doctor! So in the end we were driving to Bad Nauheim and arrived at 3.30pm. I was shaking, it is always the same, if I walk along this street. First I thought because only of the cold, but now I know it is my impression to show that I am afraid…The hours in the car, I felt lonely, left alone, I couldn’t except that all is like it turns out, as well as Daniel´s Dad had to check his „prostata“ as his sum was higher even as he was operated 5 years ago. So I felt into an empty space, it was not dark, but hopeless! I had the very first time the feeling I give up…I had no Power for a few hours and also next day I wasn’t that good. I didn’t want to talk or think about my next BPA…I was worrying, as I had the feeling, that after all these negative successions my forecast for the BPA was not good. But then it became better…The blood collection went super well – first step. Sunday we only were waiting for monday and they told us, monday at 10.15am we start. Juppie!
I was sitting in front of him and said: I think I am just stressed, was a lot the last month. He was looking at me, checked my finger with a oxygen meter. I saw this „thing“ the first time in my life deliberately. And now it is my „life insurers“…His reaction was not nervous, but he said this is too low,it was 92 and he said his is better even he is a smoker. We made a ECG, was fine…what do I know about it, so he sent me to a lung function test, but as we live in Ibiza all takes longer…also I had to come back for a blood test.
After my last wedding in June, which one was horrible and I offered them before that They get their money back or anorher team member will be at their wedding, as we weren’t compatible. No respect and I knew it that we would be responsabel for things we haven’t been involved…But, hey, it is more important to say the owner of the company was my wedding planner instead of taking advise from us. When I left the party after all was finished from our side and they finally payed us, I was angry, nearly crying, I was so exhausted when I was driving home. Disapointed. I decided all the weddings during the upcoming month will be realized by one of my team members, as they were still motivated, passinonated…but I was just empty. So the next weeks were beautiful, but I could feel, that my breathing was still worse, I thought in may I only have to go through june and all will be fine. I am not sure but it was end of may when my pilates teacher told me I am having issues inside and don’t speak about them with the persons belonging too and she was hunting me through my garden, to get the shit out. I was running, but nearly collapsing. We did this a second time, but then she stopped and we started meditation to calm me down. Of course I had a lot of things inside I was taking with me or when I was talking to my partner I didn’t saw them that difficult anymore and went on. I always thougt I can not breath because I was running through life since ages, and I never stopped, nore in my pregnancy and when my son was born I started a new business. I never will forget that he was in my arms or on my belly, my notebook on my knees and the movil in one hand and with the same I tried to make notes. How stupid could I be? Unbelievable and these are the moments in life I regrett as I am not a patience person and even was it less in winter 2014/15! What a unresponsable mum? Since he was born or might be even before when he was in my belly growing I was „nervous“…I was feeling an inner unrest. Hectic. No long deep breathes, short and shallow breathing. In June 2017 I woke up in the nights and had the feeling I can not breath anymore, I had to sit up, I took a while till it was getting better, sometimes not. I tried to get more air through my mouth, deep…but it stopped in my breast and I was afraid…but next morning life went on. No break. During the day I always felt stressed, running from one point to the other, always in a rush. I was incredibly tired, unconcetrated…I could not go upstairs without maling a quick break and try to breath. All was heavy for me, bringing my son to bed cost me a lot of energy, to carry him – impossibly…I went to the doctor finally after my bad in july.
till they found out, what I am having.
How it started all? Beginning of may, end of april a few things came together and all happend the same time. I was falling down backwards the steps in our house when I was trying to get a suitcase from a corner next to the steps. I felt hard and had some pain and even left a little whole in the floor where my ellboe must be contacted the tile. My parents have been here for two weeks due to eastern and holiday of our son Balthazar as they helped us taking care about him, as season already started and new nanny would start soon, a future wedding couple was very demanding and out a lot of pressure onto us, as their dream could not be realized but they saw us as friends one hand side and other hand side, as suppliers…also a very important wedding I had to organize within the next three weeks. On top, we would leave our son sleeping in his own room and we moved downstairs – too far away from him, I left him allone…I felt not very well about it. So a lot of stress on deadlines and heavy feelings and pressure as during the new season I decided I want to work less, but all had to work perfectly as before. After years of saying, I wanted to change and working less, what I did up from july…but same time my illness started or better I knew that something was wrong, but didn’t want to go to the doctor. Due to the cause of time lack. „My long way…“ weiterlesen
…now I know I will not decide, I am both and I need both like the air to breath. Like the air to be alive! I alaways thought I have to decide, I never said it, but I felt guilty when I did the one and not the other, when I was going out for dinner with friends to socialize instead of bringing my son to bed or when I was journaling instead of preparing the contract now. Always unsatisfied as I haven’t done the other thing. Go with the flow reminds me to young people having no idea what they want to do, but now I love it from time to time, as it helps me to feel free, inner freedom instead of planning and planning and in the end being disapointed it doesn’t work out as people involved changing their plans or it rains, as sun was the forecast. My head couldn’t relax anymore, I was always worrying or thinking about what will happen when…Like a hamster in the impeller, no time to breath as no time to stop. And so it came one to the other…
It is funny, as my mum, the one who always cares about the others, for sure won’t do anything against law or order from medicins…she was the one who said to me a week ago: you have to do what you feel is best for you! Wow…if you knew my mother you would understand my surprise. But yes, she is right. Today I planned to do some meditation and breath exercises but then my husband told me, that our little one is going to ski on the big platter lift and might be they will go up in the mountain with the ski gondola. Can you imagine what happend to me? I was overwelmed, he is 3 years and 2 month, he is our sunshine but also we know we warped him as grewn up with Nannies, grandparents and us, he is just spoiled. But this, this was a warm happy feeling as he did it, we could do nothing, beside asking the ski teacher yesterday if he can try to do the „Pizza“ on the longer slope. And he did it, he loved it. I am not a fan of overtax kids as this can be the biggest mistake you could do as a parents but I love to demand and promote, to show him his inner strength! Just do it, Nike knows it since ages! Give it a try, if you never try you can never win or find out what happens. So here I am, instead of doing relaximg deep breaths and preparing myself for my next intervention (BPA operation).
I just enjoy sitting in the sun after putting some tears of happiness away and watching my son by his first big steps of skiing! I don’t feel torned back and forth, I am just here with my full awareness as this makes me feel happy right now!
Long time ago I had a dream to write a book,but why anybody should be interested in my life?
I wanted to describe my way out from anorexia and bulimia to help other girls and women…but I never had the time and everything was more important. I am pretty sure you know this feeling, that everything is more important than yourself. Even it is the dirty cloth in the washing machine or the grocery which has to be done, or to write an email sunday morning to a client to make sure he knows you are working hard on his project. I can list a lot more things and for sure, you will recognize yourself.
Before I start to tell you more about my life and how all came, you have to know, that my life was just amazing, which I never realized as too many doubts, even if I had so much success, it was never enough. Now, my life is still even just wonderful, might be a bit better…different, but fulfilled! I noticed through my illness how much love I am surrounded by, real friends, support from people I never expected and that I am a „good“ person who made mistakes in the past and still will do some in the future, but that this is human and I started to forgive myself and let a few things go, which made me sad but also insufferable.
Three month ago my life became a second chance, I am afraid but I never will give up my hope and my positive behaviour. I won’t die I will live with all I am!